7 Ways To Not Be A Twat This Holiday Shopping Season

The holidays are fast-approaching, and with them are all of the juicy holiday sales that we await all year. BOGOs out the wazoo. The “lowest price of the year”. Stores are trying to shove stuff out the door so that there is less for them to inventory in January, and they are willing to give you a mega discount in order to do it.

I can’t be the only person who’s had a private Amazon list going for the past few months, just waiting for the right moment to hit the trigger. Black Friday is coming, folks…

I worked in retail from the ages of 16-to-24. I was a manager from ages 20-to-24. And while a lot of customers are nice, respectful individuals…holidays bring out the WORST in human indecency and entitlement.

Below are several tips to remember when perusing the sales shelves this year, not only for holiday season, but while shopping in general. Follow these, and be the person that Santa always knew that you could be 🙂

  1. Employees do not set the sales prices. Like…at all. That’s not their job. They just work there. Do you feel like an item is priced too high for its value? Either buy it from another store or write a polite letter to the company’s customer service department. Yelling at an employee that “Your shit costs too much!!!!” is not going to magically make them say, “Like OMG it does! Let me just go ahead and lower that for you!” They’re going to roll their eyes, repeat the price to you, and you can either pay the cost or leave the store.

    “yOuR sHiT cOsTs ToO mUcH!!1111!!!1!!” — anonymous customers

    Please keep in mind that it’s not a matter of the employee WON’T change the price for me. It’s a matter of the employee CAN’T change the price for me. Giving a customer an unauthorized discount can result in that employee being fired. Giving you a discount illegally costs the company money. An employee’s ability to put food on the table for their family is not a good sacrifice to save you $5 on Little Suzy’s new doll.

  2. Local businesses are pricier than chain businesses. Keep this in mind before shopping there. The quality of the products at locally-owned businesses is higher than the quality of the mass-produced items soaked in the blood of cheap child labour at an overseas warehouse. Most locally-owned businesses also pay their employees a livable wage and not that minimum wage crap that so many chains offer. Better items and higher pay mean…gasp…higher prices.

    This fruit costs more than the fruit at Wal-Mart. It is home-grown and helps to support a local family. But it also costs more. Keep this in mind before you arrive.

    You get what you pay for, and by shopping local, you are helping to build your community’s economy. If you don’t care about this and just want to save money, then stick with a chain. Even though the owner of a local business could lower their price for you, gentle screamer, they won’t, and they can also tell you to leave without getting fired because your discount is literally taking the money out of their pocket and your let-me-speak-to-the-manager haircut is scaring away all of their other customers.

  3. The “that means it’s free” joke isn’t funny. At all. The first time you hear it as a retail employee, you’ll laugh along with the customer. The second time, it’s a half-hearted chuckle. Any time after that, and you’ll just get glared at.Price tags fall off sometimes. People handle merchandise, and it just happens. That doesn’t mean you get to skip out of the store with our merchandise. And the fact that every customer thinks this is the appropriate joke to make means that we have to hear it multiple times a day.

    Even worse are the customers who aren’t joking. “Well, if there’s not a tag, then I should be able to just take it!” No, Karen, it doesn’t.

    There is a wonderful thing called INVENTORY. It is where we get to count EVERY ITEM IN THE STORE after Christmas to see how many items have gone missing thanks to sticky teenage fingers. If you “just take” our tagless sweater, it is the same as if you “stole” it. It hurts our business. It hurts our raises. And it hurts your wrists when our loss-prevention department handcuffs you.

    Was that sweater really worth it, Karen? Was it? WAS IT???

  4. Want a problem fixed? Be NICE to the employees trying to fix it. As a manager (and even as an associate), if something went wrong and a customer was polite, I would bend over backwards to fix the issue. I authorized discounts. I called other locations to have merch shipped to the customer. I gave the customer coupons. I did everything I could to make sure this customer would know that I was genuinely apologetic and to make things right.

    If someone marched up and was rude, my primary concern became, “What can I say to get this jerk out of my face the quickest?” It’s human nature.

    Look at the face of the cashier. Look at the faces of the patrons still in line. Look at the face of the small child. No one is applauding this woman for raising hell at the checkout line. They are looking at her like she’s being a twat. Don’t be this woman.

    Think of someone being nice to you versus someone being rude to you. Who are you going to talk to the longest? Who are you going to help the most? The nice person, right? Of course! Even if the situation is ridiculous, keeping your calm and being a reasonable human being will get you the best results. Holding an air of I’m better than you and acting like a lunatic is just going to make the employee hurry you out the door with or without fixing your problem. Even if it gets fixed, it could have been fixed better.

    Trust me.

  5. Check the return policy BEFORE you check out. Most stores have special return policies for the holidays. Sometimes, the length of time to return an item is extended further out than normal. Sometimes, it is reduced. If you feel like you may need to make a return, ask what the return policy is. It’s normal. The employee will explain it to you, and they may even write it on your receipt or circle it on the receipt’s printing.

    “No, you cannot return your McNuggets box for a refund, so stop yelling at me!”

    If the return deadline has passed, again, don’t turn into a twat. A lot of times, the registers will not be able to process the return if it’s past the deadline. If the register cannot process the return, then you don’t get a return. Yelling at the poor cashier doesn’t solve that or get your money back.

  6. Don’t cut in line. This one should be self-explanatory, y’all. Lines are long during the holidays. Everyone is trying to purchase their goodies at once, so you will be standing a lot while holiday shopping. Saying this, don’t just shove someone aside to take an earlier spot in the line.

    Sometimes, a visual example is needed, gentle reader. Here is what I mean by “cutting in line”.

    I actually called people out on this and made them move to the back of the line, but I know many stores do not allow their cashiers to do this. Don’t take advantage of stores with lame policies. Follow the rules you learned in elementary school. Wait your turn. If you don’t, I hope everyone in the line makes a stink and embarrasses the hell out of you until you slink away in shame ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  7. If you’re willing to harm someone over a physical item, you need a therapist, not a shopping spree. When I was nine-years-old, there was an incident at the Wal-Mart in my neighbourhood. While early morning Black Friday shopping, a pregnant woman and a non-pregnant woman began to fight over a doll. The women both insisted that they saw the doll first, and neither was backing down. The non-pregnant woman then rammed her bloody shopping cart into the pregnant woman’s stomach, sending her into premature labour.

    The pregnant woman was rushed to the hospital. The non-pregnant woman was rushed to jail. Someone else bought that doll.

    It ain’t that serious, y’all. It’s really not. Y’all need Jesus.

    What the hell is wrong with you people? A doll is not that serious. If it was, you would either have bought it in advance, or you’d go home and buy it online. A doll is not worth potentially killing a baby, and anyone who thinks that it is deserves a very long psychiatric hold.

Would Santa want you to be a twat at the checkout counter? No, he would not. Santa doesn’t give gifts to twats. That’s how you get coal.

I guess you shouldn’t have pushed that lady down in the store, Cindy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Be a good person. Get some gifts from Santa this year 🙂

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